TORN

Do you know why people hate to admit that they are lonely? It’s because when you do, everyone thinks something is wrong with you. They think, ‘I have people in my life, why don’t you?’ But the strange thing is, you could have people in your life and still be alone.’
-Lee Wen, The Forgotten

‘The best memories you’ve had will flash infront of you when you’re about to die.’ Good thing it has not happened to me yet. Morbid.

This statement has nothing to do with my post. It’s just that I’m feeling TORN these past few days.

TORN because today is the start of my six days off. I worked dayshift last Friday for thirteen hours (7:30 am to 8:30 pm). Since my colleague was absent during the night shift proceeding that, I continued to work night shift for another thirteen hours (until 8:30 am the next day). After my night shift, I attended the training until five in the afternoon. In short, I worked thirty three hours straight. Beat that. To set things straight, I am not complaining. I just felt like I needed to pamper myself after that. And pampering myself is synonymous to going back to Manila for a quick six-day trip. I was really tempted to book a ticket but I did not because the price was almost RM1,000 (PHP13,500). I know better than to spend money. I decided to save instead and wait since I would be going home on December 29 for my Christmas vacation. Patience is a virtue.

TORN because there is really no place like home. I am TORN between staying here to continue my two year contract until August 2010 or go home and find a job in Manila. I am not getting any younger. If I want to save and have a brighter future, it’s a no-brainer. Staying in Kuala Lumpur is the answer. I browsed jobstreet the other day and found out that there’s a company in Manila looking for a Bahasa Melayu speaker. Henceforth, I would try my best to learn Malaysia’s native language with the help of my colleagues. I would ask them to teach and talk to me as if I’m one of them. Next language on my list: Thai.

TORN because I used to hate it everytime mom sends me an sms before asking where I was and what time would I go home. And at times, if I still had plans of going home. I went out early this afternoon and came home kinda late. I was secretly hoping that somebody will text me to ask me where I was and what time would I go home. Or if i still have plans of going home. I checked my cellphone twice. Nobody did. Freedom at its best. I should be happy.

TORN because I received a very bad news last week. My sixteen year old brother met an accident. The motorbike that he was driving was bumped by a truck. I was not able to do anything but pray that he would be okay. It’s inevitable to feel helpless since I am miles away from my loved ones. But prayers really move mountains. He is getting better now. Some lessons are literally learned in a painful way.

TORN because I want my prayers to be answered immediately. When you aggravate somebody, the first thing that comes to your mind is to make amends. Being the talker that I am, I have said things which I regret in the end. I want Him to make everything alright again. In the end, I asked Him to give me a sign until Friday.
If there’s no sign until then, I also told Him…’Thy will be done.’

TORN because besides my family, I really miss my friends. I sometimes feel that I am deprived of familiar warmth and affection. I need my friends to light up my need for familiar faces, familiar voices, old jokes and tested bond. Well, I maybe feeling nostalgic but it’s one of the most special emotions in the entire human experience
especially now that im longing for the people who are worth-keeping.

     Scottie, my apologies for not being there now that you need me the most.

     Kath, as usual, thanks for the ego-boosting compliments. They’re special since they came from my number one fan.

    Eloisa, thank you for being my bestest best friend. The deal is still on. If we’re both single by the time we’re thirty, I’ll accept your proposal to marry you. Kidding aside, thank you for making me realize how self-centered I was. You might think that I was not listening when you told me that I will never be the center of eveybody’s universe and that, the world does not revolve around me, but those words struck me. People’s lives could go on even without my presence.

    Kuya Topher, nobody could understand what I am going through right now but you. We are on the same boat. A million thanks for listening to my rants and for the late night chat (and sleepless night for me). You’ve been the biggest help. Thanks for confirming that I really was self-centered and for being the big brother I’ve never had. Now you know that I am not a snob. Some people misinterpret me for that(calling Yhen..hehe). You could still spend your vacation here in KL…for a minimal price. The sooner the better.

When you’re in a mess and people ask you ‘how are you?’ Trust me, they don’t want an answer.

I’m TORN. Pray for me.